#Random Thought 001

"I write, although cliched my words and sentences may sound to you, I write about things you may yawn about, I write in broken and wayward way. But I still write for I trust the words to share my burden, I write to feel connected with self, I write because it makes me my hero, I write for I can build my own world of words. And so I wrote this."

fb: Nov 5th 2012

LOVE I FIND AND LOOSE

In your eyes I saw,
You stole a glance too,
Pretending it was not true,
But it did happen I also knew,
Shy you were to look again,
Your gentle face and that grace,
Love I thought had finally struck,
Three seconds far were you and I,
Pounded my heart with the ceasing miles,
You simply passed by without a say or sigh,
Crushed and crumbled broke something inside,
My heart it was and short love too didn't survive
The encounter now a memory pleasant and nice,
Until the next glance I move on for there is this life.

RETROSPECTION

The year end documentation of what went by and what great I did, am I going to write that ? Will try to do so although it has been ages since I have taken the plunge in some sincere writing attempts. This year can be safely said to be the landmark year in my life. It not only started a new phase of my life but also led me to shed some of the disappointment I had been carrying with me since last few years. Having moved to a new city I now want the inner thought process of mine to be cleansed and refreshed. Finding my feet in the corporate world, making new friends, finding love, leaving some old ones behind were few things of 2012.

The year start was dominated mostly by anticipation of some important results. So much of impatience was there that we ran to notice board at every instance a new rumor came up. Till the time actual results came there were few passing disappointments and some pleasant days as well like the IBM day. The day was such a smooth ride with written cleared, a good GD round taken care of and interview well done. But after that there were few interviews which really tested me, realized my state of matters at that time. Amchi Mumbai duration was a fabulous visit as well stands as a new page turner in my life. Surely the IBM day counts as the decision making day too. That interview in Mumbai not only took a long time to end that day but was as jittery as it could get. It was my birthday too when the battle of questions was waged on me. In a long time I got a nice birthday present albeit after few months of the Mumbai trip. That was my selection in the firm.

Another thing that really kept my first half of '2012' occupied was my masters project work. What sleepless nights it gave me during those days, I am reminiscing now. It was a race  against time to a dead end kinda scene for me. However in the end that too turned out to be a happy ending although not satisfactory for me. My two years at VNIT, Nagpur came to end just when it had started to grow on me, that place the hostel and the folks there. I think my time at Nagpur and during masters was very awesome. I don't remember being  shy or cocooned and enjoyed all out there. Those 'poha and samosa' nights at 'Chandrama', how can I miss that out. During sessionals in winters the hot coffee and the delicacies kept us going on till wee hours of morning. The hang out point our very own fresh juice center was another place to be at. It had the best cold coffee ever and I can bet on it. How can I forget the gym bug that bit me during the summer holidays of first year during masters or the yoga  schedules I used to go for not long before abandoning those. The sloshed nights are better be a secret. How could I not mention the time I made that short film "Friendly foe". So much fun it was and the intensity with which we pursued it made me sure I am going to be a director soon. It was nice work start and I am proud I did it. An oppurtunity to work under an incredible guide Mr. Padole. But must say what a man of immense respect he is along with an excellent academician. The photo shoot at fag end of passing out was also so much fun but I was majorly 'behind the scene guy' that time too. Posing and not leaving any location on the campus. I should have written all this stuff months back and surely would have worked out better that time. VNIT deserves the mention for being amongst my one of the best times ever.

CALCUTTA, the city of yellow taxis and hand-pulled rickshaws. The city whose folks are the most outgoing on any day of the week. The people who like their fish, their 'mishti-doi' and the relaxed daytime with. What I hear around me is a very sweet bengali language of city, just like the desserts here. It may take some time for one to get himself to like the city or possibly may not like altogether.  But if you do then all the old world charm, the lanes reminding of the bygone era, the rush of crowd madness is for you to treasure. When I landed in the city on first day it was past mid-night, but I knew there and then that the liking had infused in me. I will remember by first yellow taxi ride that breezy silent night. The deserted Howrah bridge  at night was sheer pleasure to see on that night. I remember 'yellow submarine' playing in my head all this while owing to the yellow connection with taxi. 

   Office and the work is not something I would like put here. It is a routine which some time I detest and on some days it is super fun. But on the whole I am yet to derive the meaning of my standing at this turn of my life. Although I have crossed five months and entered a new year yet the adjustments at office are going on. Sometimes I feel people act weird for no reason as they don't even know me little bit. But also I come to conclusion that the vibe I send around may be appalling. Office as whole is nice, functions well, gives decent pay for a bachelor and largely people have been nice in office. Earning and living on own, I know that experience is something I had wanted for long after my under-graduation  Earning one's bread and butter, counting the last pennies or being empty pocket at month end, all this and more I have in my armory of experience. The friction and the banter that comes along with a pack of six in a house is a good addition to honing my wise side I guess. Managing home, balances, getting to know the cook inside me or being the weekend washer-man are other few sides of my this life. My weekends are largely devoted to exploring the irresistibly mysterious Calcutta. Victoria memorial is one brilliant piece of architecture to look from outside as well inside. My favorite parts of Calcutta are esplanade and Park Street. Pick what you like there and I am sure everyone will have something to, at dirt cheap rate which can be haggled with the seller at the content of your heart. That is Esplanade for you and the the nostalgic feeling as if you are in British era is what Park street delivers to your sense and in full measure. That place draws you to come again and see the aging houses and buildings, edging you to know what was the story behind each of them. I don't know about others but that is what I felt every time I have been in that part of city. So much more to say about the stay but I will end here. More power to words and to the new year 2013 .. Cheers :) :)    

CONFUSED

To bare my only soul,
I had not thought so,
Too far I will not go,
Intertwined and hurt,
Is all i am left with,
Shared what we till now,
End must it I thought so.

TO SAY ..

And it is when the talks get over,
As I search for what more to say,
Some silence stands between two,
She too fumbles her words they say

EMOTIONS

As emotions betrayed me,
Cheated I felt also by me,
So much I tried to hold on,
Also knew that it was wrong,
He who tamed the feelings,
Is not a soul anywhere to know,
So much I resisted but It did go,
Trust I don't the emotions now,
Foolish and false it made me how,

FREEDOM AND SKIES

Can I be free for today,
Afloat in the calm sky,
No worries to tie down,
Stars and the moon I see,
Serenity they shine on,
Hold the time is all I say,
But chaos seems this day.

CHOICE OF LIFE

The work is not life in true,
But do remains my choice,
I thought something rich,
Some enchantment it was,
Only the dreams said so,
To live life with spirit alive,
With few passions beside,
Counting all my miles right,
Start I do for awaits the end.

THAT NIGHT

Was it that wine,
Or merely the time,
It makes sense now,
It was all chaos then,
The flow and friends,
Changed they have now,
To write more hurts me,
For these old memories,
Are quite heady and high

ABOUT YOU

I have been thinking about you,
Though my future does not hold you,
I know it is some foolishness with me,
An addiction I refuse to fight and see,
But sweet and satisfying it is for now,
Because you are just so much wow,
So I go back to you and wait for you,
In my thoughts wonderful as a pair,
Wish I could tell how much I care.

MY DESIRES

A change is what I seek,
Yet all my trials seem weak,
Be appreciated is all I want,
But all I do is waste and flaunt,
To reach out to one and all is my aim,
But I hardly have time for the same,
It is her across I silently admire,
But love is what I secretly desire.
With theses muddled thoughts inside,
How can I ever live with peace on outside.

TAKE IT EASY

This post is about something I have started feeling due to an incident long back. I realize the lessons learnt hold true today too. Should we go for multiple experiences in a short span of time? Wanting to have it all at a stretch of hand or have patience to stand and walk a little for that every new experience. Well there was that time I wanted to cram every possible feeling, experience the rush. But that eventually led to a failure and loosing a probable good friend. It was like serve me Chinese, Indian, Continental and Italian all at one time. I tasted every dish but in the end hardly carried a happy stomach or face in my case.

People say that those who want it all are the ambitious ones. They have a sense of urgency all the time which is not at all bad and works well for them. I really don't know about it because I have never been like that. But yes meeting such people was bliss because their enthusiasm or the so called urgency to hop from one task to another at a time was kind of electric to watch. I personally have been the one trailing at snail's pace wanting and dreaming to do lots of things and in search of new experience always. But come to think the speed of my life is itself getting to be deterrent in realizing all those said stuff. 

Now there is line between a laid back attitude and the one who carefully and methodically does things taking his own time to wrap up one issue at a time. During a large bundle of time till now I was under the impression of being the methodical one. But finally it has dawned upon me that I had crossed the line to be a lazy laid back snail who hardly has chance of making his wishes come true.

For me being an indecisive kind of person is new. I always took pride in my decision making approach. Now it is not same as the very decisions I took in past are the ones I regret terribly. Yes quite often we hear elders saying and moral science books repeating that one should never have any regrets in life but honestly we all have some. 

The title of this post indicates my thinking methodology till now. Soon in future there might be another post with a title 'I made my way'. Till then I will work to make this EASY a little UNEASY.

SIMPLE TRUTHS

Fun, joy and happiness,
Is all it takes to live the life,
Even if there is no money,
And you do miss your honey,
A laughter along the way,
Works like the dollar pay,
Sharing with and caring for,
The friends and family do adore,
Save those giggles and the cries,
For it takes all to becomes wise,
If this rhyming makes you uneasy,
Read again and again this poem,
For it is not at all  that cheesy.

MUSIC

All I want is to hear,
Some acoustic for ear,
Rap and blues I like.
Classics are also fine,
But when music flows,
Do not remind of time,
For it feels like sipping,
An earthy and smooth wine

SOMETHING ABOUT NOTHING

I thought to write a song,
But words scared me a lot,
A poem I thought would be easy,
But rhyming is not my way ,
Then a simple thought in a line,
But thinking hurt my mind,
I wish I had written something,
For whoever reads this,
Will actually know there is nothing.

INDIA GONE BY

Day in day out I wonder with only uncertainty around,
This year will be past and the year ahead to be found,
We are the progressive bodies blind and deaf to sound,
We don't see the poor or the poverty lurking in every town,
With the rising prices inflation for us is a celebrated noun,
This was our land of Bhagat, Sukhdev and Chandrashekhar,
But sadly their toil, sacrifice and loyalty have hardly any taker,
Characters or those who are characterless are found more,
Honesty is for sale and truth can be twisted without a roar,
To pick a common man's pocket in ways is the new game,
The players are the politicians and the referee are the lawyers,
Anna created the unrest and told us to follow the same test,
But We enjoy more Kolavari of Dhanush than Kaveri of India,
Shallow, materialistic and with stooped morals are We the people,
Only me is the motto and has left humanity in us a dying notion,
We abuse and hate poverty, unemployment and corruption,
But a step to change the same is a tough implementation,
The decorated ranks have humiliated the flag and the forces of our nation,
What more to say when 2kr is less for a filthy obnoxious Raja, a politician,
Celebrate, drink more and squander money without inhibition,
For India does shine but only with a lot less substance this time.  

Who am I ???

If someone asks another individual to describe about self then what should be the right answer. Judgement of one's own personality can possibly be the most daunting task than anything else. It is never easy to choose the right adjectives for self. In most of the cases the answer is the shadow of what people think of you. I am 22 years old and often wonder what aptly describes me however my struggle continues. Still through the experiences a person encounters, he can gauge to some extent who he really is. More varied they are, a finer and closer picture carves out. I don't know why suddenly this who am I thought has popped up in my mind. Maybe because I am forever struggling to define as to what I am supposed to do with my life. And the key to that answer is only if one knows who he is, what kind of personality he is carrying along with him.

                                                                             There are too many lists out there prescribing you with a what to do and not to do. Horoscopes coming out everyday telling you how you are going to behave day to day. Numerology will say you are going to be a bitch if the numbers add up to 5 and a good saintly personality if it adds up to 4. Wow! everybody else knows it all rather then the main lead. I am being very honest about the fact that I am actually at loss of words when asked to talk about myself. If you read the about me sections in facebook, twitter or orkut  my answers have been completely varying and largely made up of fancy to read words which sound cool. The real about me ain't there. My search for that elusive and quenching answer shall continue, till then I will assume what you have to say about me.

A RIDE FOR EVER

The start was not with love,

But they had it all 'arranged',

His one step towards her,

Was greeted with two from her,

They both had to live and survive,

But life for them had truly arrived,

With a partner to face it all together,

They let go of the worries and matters,

Beating down the saddening lows,

And living out the soaring highs,

They space dived in the zone of trust and love,

Only to come closer and be there forever,

Their marital bond will soon see the silver shining,

With many more miles to go ahead on the road,

We pray to let the fire burning and their car running

(dedicated to my parents who celebrated their 24th wedding anniversary this Novemeber.)

MIDNIGHT MISERIES

I have not moved an inch from here,

And my life has already traveled miles,

My wishes and aspirations are a maze,

For my brain too is a smokey haze,

On a night such as this cold one,

I wish to run as far and away from everyone,

With winter's seize and lonely breeze,

My brain asks me " where did all that fizz go? ",

And I say " Boy the soda was less and so went the gas "

I pass it as joke but truth kills me, pierces me, shreds me,

It is not the rejection or any sense of dejection inside,

Just some introspection and missing passion by my side.  

AN ODE OF A LOSER

His thoughts showed a winner,

But life branded him a loser,

His mistakes piled on,

But he refused to learn,

Aimlessly wandering around,

His mind felt chained and bound,

He hated himself head to toe,

And found he was his own foe,

Even smile eluded his face,

Just bitterness savored his taste,

With his life running at snail's pace,

He demanded only death to save his face.

( actually written on 8/Jan/11 in diary)