TAKE IT EASY

This post is about something I have started feeling due to an incident long back. I realize the lessons learnt hold true today too. Should we go for multiple experiences in a short span of time? Wanting to have it all at a stretch of hand or have patience to stand and walk a little for that every new experience. Well there was that time I wanted to cram every possible feeling, experience the rush. But that eventually led to a failure and loosing a probable good friend. It was like serve me Chinese, Indian, Continental and Italian all at one time. I tasted every dish but in the end hardly carried a happy stomach or face in my case.

People say that those who want it all are the ambitious ones. They have a sense of urgency all the time which is not at all bad and works well for them. I really don't know about it because I have never been like that. But yes meeting such people was bliss because their enthusiasm or the so called urgency to hop from one task to another at a time was kind of electric to watch. I personally have been the one trailing at snail's pace wanting and dreaming to do lots of things and in search of new experience always. But come to think the speed of my life is itself getting to be deterrent in realizing all those said stuff. 

Now there is line between a laid back attitude and the one who carefully and methodically does things taking his own time to wrap up one issue at a time. During a large bundle of time till now I was under the impression of being the methodical one. But finally it has dawned upon me that I had crossed the line to be a lazy laid back snail who hardly has chance of making his wishes come true.

For me being an indecisive kind of person is new. I always took pride in my decision making approach. Now it is not same as the very decisions I took in past are the ones I regret terribly. Yes quite often we hear elders saying and moral science books repeating that one should never have any regrets in life but honestly we all have some. 

The title of this post indicates my thinking methodology till now. Soon in future there might be another post with a title 'I made my way'. Till then I will work to make this EASY a little UNEASY.

Who am I ???

If someone asks another individual to describe about self then what should be the right answer. Judgement of one's own personality can possibly be the most daunting task than anything else. It is never easy to choose the right adjectives for self. In most of the cases the answer is the shadow of what people think of you. I am 22 years old and often wonder what aptly describes me however my struggle continues. Still through the experiences a person encounters, he can gauge to some extent who he really is. More varied they are, a finer and closer picture carves out. I don't know why suddenly this who am I thought has popped up in my mind. Maybe because I am forever struggling to define as to what I am supposed to do with my life. And the key to that answer is only if one knows who he is, what kind of personality he is carrying along with him.

                                                                             There are too many lists out there prescribing you with a what to do and not to do. Horoscopes coming out everyday telling you how you are going to behave day to day. Numerology will say you are going to be a bitch if the numbers add up to 5 and a good saintly personality if it adds up to 4. Wow! everybody else knows it all rather then the main lead. I am being very honest about the fact that I am actually at loss of words when asked to talk about myself. If you read the about me sections in facebook, twitter or orkut  my answers have been completely varying and largely made up of fancy to read words which sound cool. The real about me ain't there. My search for that elusive and quenching answer shall continue, till then I will assume what you have to say about me.

THE FEELING OF BEING ENTRAPPED

After spending 31/2 years in engineering college, pursuing my course in my own animated way, today I am in a situation where I am virtually suffocated. I may be breathing physically but honestly, each second of mine is claustrophobic. Who is responsible for this, definitely me.The fact is, if u have less marks, world closes doors for you. Every bloody firm is harping on the fact 60% signifies hard work n understanding. I am frustrated, unable to find the vent that will give me opportunity.

Sometimes I think, has engineering been the right choice for me ? But simultaneously I do find machines and stuff interesting. Why can't the engineering be more practical oriented. This theory has left me dead and uninterested chap. I love it when I am working in event where I have to come up with some craft or make something. I have never ever understood I word in class in these three and half years. My studies have been what I have done.

I don't understand how u score marks. I have kept failing at gaining marks in exams and I am paying now. Placement season started and what was I doing, sitting back at home. Not being able to sit for a single firm and that too when not many are coming, has surely doomed my confidence and motivation. Moreover I have developed a defeatist attitude which is going to lead me nowhere .

Every time I write something I pray to god to show me that one path and I promise I will work hard because I know, it will be the only thing I can cling on to. Fear of not being able to meet the standards set by my parents worries my heart all the time. For me they have led a successful life which I want to extend to future lanes.

My parents have supported me in everything I have done or I had wished to do. Even during this time my father and mother have been pushing me with the amount of positivity that makes me feel I have betrayed them. My father feels I have it in me to make it big, he feels I am intelligent and capable enough of being the best. Is this the best in me ?

I want to end this here because words don't stop when my mind awakens to life's horror story.