EARTH

God intended it to be green, blue and yellow,

He forget what was to be remembered the most,

It was his, but to god it was a twisted mirage of reality ,

Shoddy and pale was the reflection of his black soul,

He chucked the wisdom and chuckled at his actions,

What lay behind was life, ahead was just the burnt ash .

(I am trying to give a mould to my thoughts and this is a start so only a small one this time.)

THE CHANGE OF ME

Somewhere when you are having all the fun, letting go of time to distant shores and unaware what is to come next, the situation holds. I can distinctly remember the fourth semester of my college, i think my results had come out few weeks back and that day i was feeling quite low. It was 2 in the night and i was sitting atop the tanker stalled on our hostel's terrace. As usual i was all by my self there. Shouting out loud, cursing, crying, wanting to punish myself in toughest possible manner. I was not in my senses, i abused my self loud, felt pity that best set of parents had to bear such a kid.

I was angry with my self like hell. That was one phase which started and has dragged me deep now. This was my mood two years back.

This is just two years later. Scene may seem repetitive, however the mood, the individual and the outlook has swivelled drastically. My intention is to compare the mood on these two very nights. Today also i was sitting n walking on hostel terrace all alone. However i was calmer then all those previous times, contemplating of what has transpired and what is to come. I was more in a confused state rather of anger.Music flowed through my ears into my soul. I felt somewhere i have to garner that confidence of which i was so proud of two years back. I have lost my aggressive streak, the one which i see in the FE's bunch. I am not worried of what i have done. Just thinking a lot.

I love myself as a calm composed man.

All this has been written in my state of trans !!!!. It definitely helps to pour out thoughts by writing.

THE FEELING OF BEING ENTRAPPED

After spending 31/2 years in engineering college, pursuing my course in my own animated way, today I am in a situation where I am virtually suffocated. I may be breathing physically but honestly, each second of mine is claustrophobic. Who is responsible for this, definitely me.The fact is, if u have less marks, world closes doors for you. Every bloody firm is harping on the fact 60% signifies hard work n understanding. I am frustrated, unable to find the vent that will give me opportunity.

Sometimes I think, has engineering been the right choice for me ? But simultaneously I do find machines and stuff interesting. Why can't the engineering be more practical oriented. This theory has left me dead and uninterested chap. I love it when I am working in event where I have to come up with some craft or make something. I have never ever understood I word in class in these three and half years. My studies have been what I have done.

I don't understand how u score marks. I have kept failing at gaining marks in exams and I am paying now. Placement season started and what was I doing, sitting back at home. Not being able to sit for a single firm and that too when not many are coming, has surely doomed my confidence and motivation. Moreover I have developed a defeatist attitude which is going to lead me nowhere .

Every time I write something I pray to god to show me that one path and I promise I will work hard because I know, it will be the only thing I can cling on to. Fear of not being able to meet the standards set by my parents worries my heart all the time. For me they have led a successful life which I want to extend to future lanes.

My parents have supported me in everything I have done or I had wished to do. Even during this time my father and mother have been pushing me with the amount of positivity that makes me feel I have betrayed them. My father feels I have it in me to make it big, he feels I am intelligent and capable enough of being the best. Is this the best in me ?

I want to end this here because words don't stop when my mind awakens to life's horror story.